I wish I could..

She stretched out her worn out body on the grass and gazed at the endless blue sky. She wished if she could just take off and fly like a falcon, drift in that endless space, and feel the winds so high in the sky. No restraints, no ties, no nothing. Just she and the wind and the sky …she could travel the world and no one could stop her, because she claimed the sky as her own and that was all that mattered to her. 

In her dreams..she conquered the skies and nothing could hold her back. She’ll go up, up, and up until she could go no further, because it’s all hers’ now. Her freedom is all hers..it’s right there in her own hands..and she just realized it while she was dreaming of flying away into the sky. She finally saw that everyone held the key to their freedom. Unfortunately , a lot fail to see that..they are blinded by the walls they built around themselves in their own confinement, preventing themselves from seeing what’s beyond these thick walls..

It’s so simple yet very complicated. How she came to realize such a profound thing in a moment of immature desire. The desire to be a falcon that roams the skies forever.

The awakening

I was walking down the road when I heard a quivering voice calling me..I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or a girl’s…it sounded so soft yet full of determination. I looked around to see who is it, but I couldn’t find the caller..

”Where are you?” I said…”right here” the voice said..

Me: ”Where? I don’t see you?”

Voice: “I’m here..right in front of you”

Me:  “kid..are you playing pranks on me? because if you are…”

Voice: “NO..NO..Im not…I swear”

Me: “then show yourself”

Voice: “ I can’t..”

Me: “why?”

Voice: “you have to see me…you should see me”

Me: “ kiddo.. I don’t have time to play with you. If you refuse to show yourself now..then I’m leaving”

Voice: “NO..don’t go..please stay”...  “I’ll show myself. I’ll show you but don’t go..don’t leave me..not again”

Me: “again !?…what do you mean?”

at that moment I felt as if something was urging me to stay and listen to the voice…

Voice: “you left me once, and now that I found you..you want to leave again??”..“why are you being so heartless? You weren’t like that before..YOU ARE NOT LIKE THAT..go back to your previous self..stop pretending of being someone else”

Me: ...shaken.. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is me and I’m not pretending of being someone else that’s for sure”

Voice: “LIAR..STOP LYING TO YOURSELF..both of us here know that the person you claim to be now is not the real you..so stop lying”

That sentence the voice uttered was so powerful. Like an arrow..it pierced my heart and shook me to the core..and it hurt..hurt so much that I,  the heartless one couldn’t stop my tears from falling down my cheeks. I realized at that moment who the voice was. It was my old self..my true and only self. The always smiling, naïve, childish me. The one I tried to conceal many years ago when I lost the one and only person who meant the world to me, believing that this will numb my unbearable pain. The person who loved me for who I am and accepted me despite my countless flaws was gone along with my old self..or so I thought.

Me: tears still falling “I’m sorry..I didn’t mean to..I didn’t know..”

Voice: “it’s O.K..don’t apologize. We all make mistakes”

Me: “but I..” 

Voice: “don’t worry about it. I didn’t come here to torment you..I came to wake you up from your slumber before it was too late.”

Me:..silence..

Voice: “it’s your  choice..you choose what you want to be. The sweet, loving and honest girl you once were? Or the new spiteful, and stone hearted one?”..

Me: “I want to go back to the way I was before..i don’t want to live the rest of my life claiming to be someone else”

Voice: “good girl..I knew you would make the right choice”

Me: wiping my tears

Voice: “My task is over now..I have to go”

Me: “wait don’t go..”

Voice: “I can’t stay any longer. You’re a strong girl and you can take care of yourself..but promise me that you’ll honor your choice for your loved ones sake, and always be true to yourself”

Me: “I promise..for my loved one it is”

Voice: “then it is goodbye”

Me: “farewell my friend”…   

Little Boy

The little boy stood by the cliff and gazed into the distant horizon. He listened to the sound of the waves striking the razor sharp rocks..like a distant explosion resonating in his ears, mind, and heart. How can he forget that day? That doomed day that left him all alone in this ruthless world fighting for his life. The fear, the pain, the sorrow..he can still feel it like it happened yesterday. The sickening stench of blood refuses to leave his memory. The images of the torched bodies are carved in his heart like its carved on stone. He had seen his mother, father and sister turn into ash and blown away by the wind . Countless times did he try to erase that memory, but it keeps coming back to him over and over again..and it never fails to stab his little heart. A light breeze brushed his cheeks, and his golden curls danced along with it…someone is calling him..but who is it?..he doesn’t recognize the voice. He turned his gaze towards the source of the voice..”Come to me child” an angel like maiden called..”Come to me and everything will be fine” she said. The boy, hypnotized by her piercing blue eyes, reached out his tiny hand and took hers..off he went with her..to the place where pain does not exist..However, reality hits him as he woke up from his trance..the maiden is gone, and the pain is there. He’s falling down..faster and faster..down he goes towards the raging waves of the deep blue sea..he shrieks but it’s too late to call for help, and all of a sudden..silence takes over and the only sound to be heard is the sound of waves.

Wandering Soul

There she was..all alone..confined in a prison made out of thorns

shackled to the walls of loneliness and helplessness..What can she do??

“Thorns are there to protect you” they say..but that is far from the truth..

Suffocating her, oppressing her, and torturing her is what it does..

tearing her apart limb by limb until nothing is left but shreds of what was once her body.

Her corps is left alone to rot in the damp and cold prison cell.

Her soul departed from her body, but it is still clinging to the one place she hated the most..and she awaits

awaits those who caused her all the pain, fear, and sorrow, to come..

to realize the crime they’ve committed, and the slow and painful death they caused..

she awaits to claim her revenge.....

إبتهال..أغيب و ذو اللطائف لا يغيب

أغيب وذو اللطائف لا يغيب وأرجوه رجاء لا يخيب

وأسأله السلامة من زمان بليت به نوائبه تشيب

وأنزل حاجتي في كل حال إلى من تطمئن به القلوب

فكم لله من تدبير أمر طوته عن المشاهدة الغيوب

وكم في الغيب من تيسير عسر ومن تفريج نائبة تنوب

ومن كرم ومن لطف خفي ومن فرج تزول به الكروب

ومن لي غير باب الله باب ولا مولا سواه ولا حبيب

كريم منعم بر لطيف جميل الستر للداعي مجيب

حليم لا يعاجل بالخطايا رحيم غيث رحمته يصوب

فيا ملك الملوك أقل عثاري فإني عنك أنأتني الذنوب

وأمرضني الهوى لهوان حظي ولكن ليس غيرك لي طبيب

فآمن روعتي واكبت حسودا فإن النائبات لها نيوب

وآنسني بأولادي وأهلي فقد يستوحش الرجل الغريب

ولي شجن بأطفال صغار أكاد إذا ذكرتهم أذوب

ولكني نبذت زمام أمري لمن تدبيره فينا عجيب

هو الرحمن حولي واعتصامي به وإليه مبتهلا أتيب

إلهي أنت تعلم كيف حالي فهل يا سيدي فرج قريب

فيا ديان يوم الدين فرج هموما في الفؤاد لها دبيب

وصل حبلي بحبل رضاك وانظر إلي وتب علي عسى أتوب

وراع حمايتي وتول نصري وشد عراي إن عرت الخطوب

وألهمني لذكرك طول عمري فإن بذكرك الدنيا تطيب

وقل عبد الرحيم ومن يليه لهم في ريف رأفتنا نصيب

فظني فيك يا سندي جميل ومرعى ذود آمالي خصيب

وصل على النبي وآله ما ترنم في الأراك العندليب

اللهم صلي و سلم و بارك على سيدنا محمد

Shantaram

Shantaram, by Gregory Roberts, is a novel like no other. Of all the books and novels that I read none of them had an impact on me as much as this book. A lot of what he mentioned in the novel is undeniably true, which is why I can relate to what he says. His words has great depth, that one cannot help but be moved by them, influenced..and inspired.

The following are quotations from Shantaram which I believe are some of the most beautiful and meaningful quotes I’ve ever read.

“It took me a long time and most of the world to know what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can be the story of your life.”

“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread instead is that we won’t stop loving them, even after they are dead and gone.”

“Fate gives all of us three teachers, three friends, three enemies, and three great loves in our lives. But these twelve are always disguised, and we can never know which one is which until we’ve loved them, left them, or fought them.”

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn”

“Be true to love where ever you find it, and be true to yourself and everything that you really are.” 

The Voice Within

Want to scream??...Do it...
Do it and shatter the walls of silence..
Let no one hold you captive..
Let no one break your soul
You’re free…deep within your heart..you are free
You hold the keys to your freedom
can you see it? ..It’s there right inside of you
Just search..and you’ll find it